Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
