i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
