why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
