sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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