Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
