I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Dicks are not precious.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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