i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
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