Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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