Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
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