from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
