My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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