Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
