I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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