I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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