I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Are my feet made of real feet?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
