i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
