I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
