I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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