My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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