White coat. Heels.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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