Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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