1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
