so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
