You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
