nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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