accomplished twins. life is a go
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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