Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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