Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
