I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Randomize
