fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
