I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
