she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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