So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
