You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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