I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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