I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
It was a blind-side dick pic.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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