how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
