...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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