If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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