I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I need to stop coming to work sober
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
