God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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