I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Randomize
