i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
