:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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