You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
