is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
