Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
