her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
