mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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