I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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